As many of you who have followed my blog in the past know, my work is pretty stressful. I usually focus a lot of my time writing about Dr. B, but in all reality my job takes a lot of my time and adds to a lot of my stress in the background.
When we moved this past year for Dr. B to start his residency, I took on an ever expanding manager role, working in the financial world. We had moved cities, moved homes, and started this new life. On top of the everything else, my job demands much of my time and is very stressful on a daily basis. I have been trying to compartmentalize all of the stress and get through week by week, however recently I have felt like I am at a breaking point. Dr. B is really starting to get busy, and I haven’t had the assistance of his help around the house much. To make matters even more interesting, we bought a new house and really put down roots in this new city.
Talk about stress level increase! Bam!
Anyways, I feel like I have been getting daily signs that it is time to take some sort of new journey in my career. I am not sure if other people feel this way, but with an overachieving husband in my presence daily, it is really hard to step back myself. I feel like I am already forgotten next to his contributions, as big as my own might be – including the major fact that I am totally the bread winner for this family – common people, that should count for something! Residency drama I know. But really the truth is, the internal struggle is real. Part of me says you should work these hours, have this prestigious job, and make all this money because you are smart enough to do it. The other part of me realizes that I have been sacrificing many things including my sanity, health and general happiness. Yes it is currently 12 am, and I am just wrapping up my work for the night.
If this isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is – A Toyota Commercial just came on as I was typing this blog, exclaiming – “you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do then by the things you did do.” Wow – did that give you chills like it did me. Goose pimple alert! Additionally, just the other day I read an article about taking a break from work to recharge and follow your dreams, on NPR that same day I heard about an accounting professional leaving her partner role to start a Yoga studio, and finally, I have noticed there are many people out there who are struggling with family or health difficulties outside of their control and these individuals find more self worth in what they are doing on a day to day basis even in their adversity. These observations have been life altering for me because I know I am in a situation that is unsustainable. I am just in a rock and a hard place as to how to dig myself out of this hole.
I have toyed with many options such as changing to a new job, taking a lesser role, quitting all together (I fondly call this flipping your desk) and taking on some crazy hobby.
Money is definitely part of my worry, but the other part of me thinks, I have worked so many years since college all for that next promotion, raise, just to prove a woman could do it in finance – am I letting myself down? Moreover, am I letting women down? Am I just not strong enough? Does saying to yourself, maybe stepping back for a second would be good for you – is that selfish? Can I stop comparing myself to everyone else?
What do I do? Or is everything I am seeing a true sign that I need to just jump head first and figure out the rest later. I really don’t know…